Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
