the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
