Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
