Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
