She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
