I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
