Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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