Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
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Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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