glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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