So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
