Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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