Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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