Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
