It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
