Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
