my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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