I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
