my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What a dumb baby whore.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
