my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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