at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
