I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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