I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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