You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
