nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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