You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
