Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
