I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
