She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
