sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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