I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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