that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
