saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
