New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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