I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
