I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
