Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
