Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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