Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
