i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I have aggressive nipples.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
