We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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