I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
