I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think pants incapable of making pants work
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
