John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
