Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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