don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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