I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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