Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
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It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
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I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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