i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
