we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
