Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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