No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
