i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
