I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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